I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐