What about a To-Don’t List?
You Might Also Like
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
when you order from DoorDastardly
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands