ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
bout dat hot dog summer
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.