Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You Might Also Like
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Cheer up.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time