Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
You Might Also Like
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Blew my mind.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Milk Cube
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.