I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
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Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!