When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
True freaking story!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars