Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
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It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
You know…for fall…
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.