An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
hmmm
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.