Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Only a mother’s love …
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.