Fries, not lies.
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene