[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Best spot.. 😅
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane