“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
You Might Also Like
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys