My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
You Might Also Like
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.