*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
For those that worship cheese..
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant