Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Deer are just ballerina dogs
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’