DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle