ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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this is so top tier i cant
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral