“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Is your wife single?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*