I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.