Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up