Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy