[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years