[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
finally found a reasonable question
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any