Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Warm pools make me nervous.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
titanic
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder