Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Yup
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings