“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.