The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.