You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
seems fine
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”