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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.