My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.