ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
lmao
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.