Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
sensitive skin
mathematically impossible
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop