“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
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*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?