A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
🤣✨#caturday
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning