ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
What
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.