the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins