My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
the clam before the storm