ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*puts cutlery down*
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.