DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
When you’re here for the treats.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”