*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Always…
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door