Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
back to work
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”