Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale