I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
You Might Also Like
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.