Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
what the hell pray for carter everyone
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
This meal prepping shit easy
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.