Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
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Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.