Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
😆this is so true
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.