gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
#Caturday
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag