Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait