With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
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My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
😂 amazing answer
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*